Away From Her

I feel so like shit lately. Nothing has gone right for so long now .... I just do not know. Even when a little something promising presents itself, it seems to dissolve to liquid stool, and again I'm drowning in shit. An old email friend from when I lived in Toronto has offered to get me away from here, at least temporarily - a paid trip to where he lives, close to Amsterdam. But the emails between us, trying to plan this, have been few. He seems to be really busy, though I sense a good charitable heart and sincerity from him. Getting away from here, and seeing another part of the world (again) would be so wonderful for me at this point. Also, I have never been outside of Canada and had always wanted to travel. I need to research if I need a passport or just some sort of travel visa, which my friend/potential host things is all I need. But, with mom's bitching and how crappy and tired I end up feeling, drained ... I have not yet discovered what is involved for a Canadian to fly to The Netherlands, in terms of international papers etc.

This day has been particularly bad. Sadly. Because I awoke to find that mom had actually, finally made it off, to get some tests done at the hospital, and I had some time alone, to breathe. So I decided to sleep in longer than the usual crappy 4-5 hours of sleep I get most nights/days. Yet, after going back to sleep, getting up for the day, chaos kicked right on in. There were like a thousand things for me to do and time was not being a friend. So many things have gone wrong today, I do not know where to begin.

My UK online mate's wrist cutting is probably the low point. He needed me IM on right when I was trying to get computer and household things done here. So I let him chat away, and tried to be a good friend, but it seems he started cutting right around the time I said I would be right back, as Mom was just returning into the yard via cab. My timing in life so sucks still! By the time I got back to the computer he says: "I've just done something awful ..." Right away I say, "You cut yourself." As that was exactly what I was trying to prevent. I knew he had done that a few times in the past, and I had made him promise not to do it again. So much for that promise. I wonder if I had been able to talk without interruption from Mom's coming back home and chatting my ear off etc. would he had been convinced by me to NOT cut his wrists?!!!!

All I know is that after my asking several times without answer, he finally said he was no longer bleeding, but had to go to bed right away as he has college in four hours or so. So, no real closure on that drama.

Then Mom proceeded to chew me up about this or that, and then especially, she got mad about me taking the garbage and recycling out to the street, what I was striving for since getting up but not allowed to do, as I was busy being a friend and whatnot. Before falling asleep on the sofa Mom starts arguing with me about it being TOO LATE and telling me to NOT take the stuff to the street, the green bin that you wheel to the street is too noisy and it might disturb the neighbours at 1:30am. Uhmmm. Right. OK then. Whatever. That's a new one .... She doesn't want me to take out the garbage this time.

Tomorrow she will likely bitch me out for taking too long to getting around to it, which is not exactly how it went down .... but hey, she is ALWAYS RIGHT and I'm just crazy and lazy and argumentative. Oh, joy! Life has really been smiling on me ...