This past week with mom may have been the roughest yet. But even for me to say that, I realize it is hard to gage which MAMA DRAMA overrides another past experience. Damn, but I think she is losing it at a fast rate now. What’s sad about it is the fact that, at least from my perspective of being the only one around her for long periods of private time, she STILL will not admit to being the creator of the CHAOS; the very same chaos that has created a domino effect on this little family of ours. I imagine mom’s denial goes as far back as the 1960s – AT LEAST. Presently, as I write this, she is in the kitchen, making pancakes from scratch (or trying to), and talking to herself (the BIG CONSTANT!).

She has been freaking out over her Avon order, for one … Worried and worried about when it will arrive. I myself did her first online order, data entry wise.

And I came back again. Using my last $20 on a cab – partially to get her second Avon order right, and also to cover my utter loneliness at home last night!

By The Grace of God

A thing I always say when I return to Mom’s place after being home for weeks, jokingly, in reference to my favorite film, The Color Purple is Oprah Winfrey’s great line at the group dinner table scene, when here hard-knocks character, suddenly comes back to life:

“Sofia back …!”

What’s good is that my female cousin Flo has moved just a couple houses up the street from mom’s, at her brother’s place, and we have reconnected, and what’s more: she has been reminding me of what it is like to be ALIVE! She is a sly character, or at least in the past, has been … So it is sometime difficult to gage her sincerity, regardless though, in a very short time of being back, and around me, she has done wonders for my morale, my self esteem! Rock on!

Flo has more often than not been one of the people who actually GETS ME. Already she’s encouraging me to write and to get back to reading (books) even. Truly, she is reminding me of my intentions of old … the creative me: the writer, the singer, the actor. At long last, support (from a family member YET)!

When we were in Ontario for all those years, Flo and I were roommates at least three separate times, and after all THAT we still manage to like each other somehow, someway. She has been there for me in many ways, in the Toronto years, and now again, already, since being back in MON for less than a year, I think. When I first ran into Flo at the bus depot, accidentally last winter or fall, she suggested an impromptu trip to the local fast good joint, as she had coupons, and we had a great little visit, despite a nasty crew of teens and one particularly young sassy thing who spoke out of line to me, creating a mini-scene before Flo and I left. The next time I saw Flo was planned, after a phone call or two to my place, and from me, back to her line, where she was staying with her older sister and niece, for a time. She wanted me to come meet her at her new, big time job, briefly after pay day … and GAVE, not loaned me $50, not even asked for by me!!!! This is my Flo … The alcohol loving, man-crazy(?), incredibly smart, now MARRIED (soon-to-be-divorced), cigarette-smoking, Christianity-embracing, witty, fist-fighting, man-beating, book-reading, horror story-loving, one of a kind beauty, who has wondrously been blessed by God with a turn of events that have lead her to her first long-term, and really big deal job for the local government here! That’s my Flo. She with the hot-looking Shemar Moore clone falling in love with her, way over in a foreign country, whilst recovering from extreme head trauma!

All the wasted jokes and witticisms that I put out but go way over heads here in MON, Nova Scotia now have a receptacle with fabulous Flo back!

“Sofia back …!” (Smile)

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps …

At long last … a light at the end of this long long tunnel of darkness?

Time will tell, as they say …

Summer Is The Coldest Time Of Year

Well, it’s Monday …Again! Upon us, the beginning of yet another week. (Sundays and Mondays apparently are not the best days of the week for me, luck or morale-wise.) Good thing: Manic Mom is finally out, gone to a doctor’s appointment, not having postponed at the last minute, as has become her way. So I get some ME TIME, however briefly. Now, it would have been great had I gone to bed earlier, and had Mom herself, gone to bed early and not been playing her slow slow game of Bejeweled (Why oh why did I get her on the computer?!!!) Let’s see, while I have a little window of opportunity to collect my thoughts, as it were, where am I right now ….? Hmmmm. Ok, it’s now June, Birthday month. OMG. Time for another change in the 2 digits. Over the hill?!

So much happening, yet nothing in a way. At the end of last week, I managed to get my telephone service at home disconnected, then miraculously re-connected, thanks to some clever explaining … I forgot to pay my May bill altogether ($60 payment plan pre-arranged)! Why?! Probably too caught up in Mama Drama. Plus, dealing with very little money in the first place, from the government for my disabilities. That payment was supposed to be made at the end of April. What’s interesting, since I am known to say “It’s all about the timing in life …” is that as I was trying to make a phone payment to the phone company(!) the other night while here at mom’s, with her cordless battery dying by the second, my home line was being cut off! (Late May payment for month of June.) I think I spent most of Friday morning on the phone here trying to convince the phone company that I cannot afford payments that are in the $100 range … Again, not one of my finest hours. In the end, I spoke with a very positive manager based in Newfoundland who gave me ONE LAST CHANCE …and made it so I could afford a payment, AND reconnection, but well …grocery shopping? Emergency cash? Medication bucks? Hey, we cannot have everything. Can we?! Now I will have to spend probably most of, if not all of, June at mom’s!!!!! Grrrrrrrrrrr. Happy Birthday to me in a few weeks … (Doesn’t even look like Summer!)